How Letting Go of This One Expectation Saved our Marriage
You Don’t Have to Be Everything to Your Partner
There’s this subtle but heavy belief that gets placed on a lot of us, especially in certain cultures and religious communities, that you should be everything your partner needs. Their best friend, emotional anchor, sexual match, spiritual partner, co-parent, adventure buddy, therapist, accountability partner, and constant cheerleader.
It sounds romantic. But it’s also exhausting. And honestly? Unrealistic.
Where This Pressure Comes From
Esther Perel talks about how we used to rely on entire communities to meet our needs. We had extended family, neighbors, spiritual guides, and social circles that each played different roles in our lives. But modern culture has condensed all those roles into one person: your partner. It’s created a kind of emotional claustrophobia in relationships.
I felt this deeply in my marriage. The church told me I was supposed to be Brad’s everything. His support system, his source of comfort, his accountability, his sexual outlet, his constant sounding board. And I tried. I really did. But at some point, I realized that kind of pressure was crushing; not just for me, but for him too.
What Changed for Us
The biggest shift came when we started getting honest. We can’t meet every need for each other. That doesn’t mean we’re failing as partners. It means we’re human.
We gave ourselves permission to seek support outside the relationship. For Brad, that might look like connecting with friends or having outlets for things I don’t share interest in. For me, it might be emotional support from trusted women in my life or processing with someone who just gets that part of me.
It doesn’t weaken our connection. It strengthens it. Because we’re not expecting one person to carry the entire emotional weight of our lives.
Why This Mindset Matters
When you stop trying to be everything, you actually show up more fully in the roles that are yours to hold. You have more energy, more clarity, and less resentment. You can appreciate your partner for who they are, instead of constantly feeling disappointed by what they’re not.
And let’s be real. When someone is your everything, it’s hard to bring your full self. There’s too much at stake. But when you know you both have other forms of support, there’s more freedom, more honesty, and more ease.
You don’t need to be everything to your partner. That’s not love; that’s a setup for burnout. Real intimacy comes from honesty, shared responsibility, and releasing the idea that one person can meet all your needs.
You’re allowed to be a whole person with a full life. And so is your partner. The more you honor that, the more spacious and connected your relationship can become.
